Arcana Hearts

Okay, so I’m going to have to type this review using only nine fingers, as my left thumb has approximately doubled in size, ballooned and throbbing in pain from playing Arcana Hearts. This newest entry in the cult of hardcore 2D fighters is really all about pain. Beyond the blisters that will bedeck your soon-to-be-arthritic digits, you can expect that its strict adherence to outdated graphics, no frills approach to story and character, uncompromising high difficulty and lack of options will cause the hurt to be felt all the way from the moment you feel sheepish about laying down 40 bucks to the few hours later when you pop the game out of your system and throw it in the microwave in frustration.

First Impressionsby Tanx - Video Game Reviews by a Very Busy Math Teacher

Why is there some unwritten code that these 2D fighters have to be so tough? Does every special move have to use the non-existent diagonal directions on the 4-direction D-pad? Yes, I know there is a throttle as well, but successfully executing a semi-circular motion directly followed by a hard right and then another button mash would require me to install cybernetic implants in place of my fingers. Hmm... cybernetic implants....
Then there’s the boss. In the game options you can scale the difficulty from one to nine hearts, with “normal play” somewhere in the middle.

I set that sucker at one heart, practiced the first character enough to get the gist of her moves, and set out determined to win through the game at least once. That is, until the final boss removed half my hit points with a single attack for the hundredth time, my mind already numbed by watching and re-watching the preceding unskippable cutscene that replays on every final stage attempt. Desperate, I sought out Youtube to see what I was missing, and watched a master pull every trick in the book, nearly get flounced himself, and finally persevere. And what did all this hard work get him? One lousy picture.

You see, the reward is in the endurance of pain. Anyone who has seen a Japanese game show can tell you... these people are crazy. I speak Japanese and have the utmost respect for Japanese cultural values, but in some ways I still think they’re nuts. Game Shows are designed around objectification, humiliation and suffering. Contestants who have to sit in scalding water as long as they can take it? Check.

Trapping a man in a room and forcing him to live off of scraps won in magazine contests for over a year until he’s bugnuts lonely and starving to death? Check (look up Susunu! Denpa Shonen and the famous contestant “Eggplant”.) I’m not making this stuff up. It is the modern version of the old “samurai sits under the freezing cold waterfall to gain character” stunt. You buy a fighting game advertised as fun, kinda cult and kinda racy (all girl cast!), but when the game arrives you find instead a heaping plate of ... well, “fun” would better be described as “masochism”, and substitute “mildly creepy” in place of “racy.”

See, some readers might suggest that the game is more worthwhile in two-player mode, playing against a friend or, say, a Fiancee. The problem here is that the all-girl cast includes nine-year-olds in swimsuits, maid outfits and gym clothes. This kind of obliterates any possibility that said Fiancee would play it. And I can’t blame her... the Japanese Lolita aesthetic just does not translate well in American culture. This is not a game that you show your Mom, or your friends... or colleagues... or, really, anyone.

Okay, I guess I have to try to say something positive to make a pretense of a balanced review. Well, the fighting genre is attractive to me because I’m always eager to check out the newest batch of freakazoids who are ready to duke it out. While not as pathologically insane as, say, Guilty Gear, a few of the characters in Arcana Heart gave me a chuckle. I liked the witch with a demon head stuck to the top of her staff... the little animations associated with her arrival and victory are fun, as are a few of her special moves. Looking past the creepiness factor for a moment, the swimsuit kid’s morphable blob of water was unique, and the Konoha “Naruto” ninja child had that quality of an elaborate in-joke that you don’t quite get but is fascinating to try to decode nonetheless.

In addition, I liked the whole “Homing” command, allowing your character to zoom towards the opponent and keep the fight close at hand. Much as I complain about them, super moves were easier to execute in this game than in other 2D fighters I’ve seen, with most concentrating on only ¼ or semi-circular throttle rotations… no NW, NE, SW, W, W, hold A+B, swing two arcs and mash randomly commands. Also, the characters appear balanced, with no one heroine obviously superior to any of the others.

But taking this into account, you’ve pretty much seen all the moves the game has to offer after a practice session with each character. There are not that many characters to choose from, few stages and no extra outfits other than color changes. Sure, you can mix and match elemental beings with each gal, but the special moves that come from them are the same regardless of who uses them. Allowing you to lop 16 characters in two and mix and match parts does not, alas, make 256 exciting options, regardless of the arithmetic involved. You just still have your 16 characters in a bit of a muddled heap.

In the end this game is a true Japanese endurance test. Arcana Hearts subjects you to bodily misery and abject despair, but you will never receive a tangible reward. In short, 2D fighter super-fans will love it, but if you haven’t spent more than $1000 on Street Fighter II coin-op in your life, you’re not in the club.