Star Ocean: Second Evolution

Because I am so committed to original, penetrating research, I looked up Star Ocean: Second Evolution on the Wikipedia. There, I found a number of surprises.

The first of these is that, by the end of November of 2008, this game had sold over 140,000 copies in Japan. This is a surprise because I always thought that Japanese gamers were among the most discerning in the world.


Review of Star Ocean: Second Evolution
by X-34 minus 5R1-6X36

Another surprise is that there is a whole – ahem – ocean of English-speaking voice actors who make careers out of dubbing Japanese-language video games. I guess I knew about this already, actually, but, on those few occasions when I happen to contemplate the existence of this tattered twenty-seventh tier of the acting profession, I am encouraged to ponder the vast, far-flung outer reaches of the entertainment industry, and consider, “What are their cast parties like?” and “Do they all sleep with one another? If they don’t, how does ‘I’m an English-language voice-actor for semi-obscure Japanese videogames’ go over as a pickup line?” But I digress.

To return to that first point: I’m surprised – nay, astonished – at the fairly robust sales of the second PSP installment of the quasi-venerable Star Ocean franchise because, frankly, this game totally sucks.

To return to that second point, a two-year-old article about the voice talent for Second Evolution, about how the characters in this game surely will be a chatty bunch. “Extensive vocal work,” in the argot of the article. It turns out that they were not kidding around. The characters in Second Evolution will not shut the hell up. Ever. I would liken playing Star Ocean: Second Evolution to being stuck in a skyscraper’s slow-moving elevator with a bunch of childish, stuttering teens who not only use a disproportionate number of lengthy verbal, nonverbal, and silent pauses, but who have an unerring penchant for speaking only in direct, declarative statements whose content recapitulates that of their friends’ direct, declarative statements. They also whimper a lot.
It is a remarkably frustrating to try to suffer this inane blather, especially because (and here’s one way in which this sequel is far worse even than its crummy predecessor) there is no way for you, the gamer, to speed it up or skip over it. You just have to sit there and read the fatuous, sub-Saturday-morning-cartoon dialogue. (For the love of all that is good and holy, please turn off the sound; these voice actors occupy the twenty-seventh tier of the acting pantheon for some very good reasons.) It would try the patience of frickin’ Gandhi.
Here are my accomplishments for the first 63 minutes of gameplay in Second Evolution:

• went into some buildings;
• bought some blueberries;
• met some other guys;
• engaged in and/or listened to conversation;
• got killed.

And this was not for lack of trying, believe me. I wanted this game to be fun. I was even, in a weird way, rooting for it: I’d besmirched its older brother’s reputation, so I was due some payback, it seemed. I would have been only too glad to have been humbled by this curious game franchise. But, as it is, I played this game for an hour before I even stumbled across anything that could remotely be considered gameplay. Until that point, all I did was wander around and wait for other characters to do things. And then, finally, we were off to battle! Said battle lasted approximately eleven seconds: I was instantly squared off against a far superior foe, and, since I’d been given zero opportunities to acquire weapons, skills, or knowledge of my enemies, the enemy – some kind of squat, toothéd wormlike beastie – killed me instantly. Game over.

In my review of Star Ocean: First Departure (star ocean first departure review), I lament the fact that the silly game has no save points, a fact that requires one to replay some very boring bits of gameplay should one chance to get killed by a squat, wormlike beastie. Clearly, my reviews wield vast international influence, because the designers of Second Evolution have included a greater number of save points. This is pretty cold comfort, though, since there isn’t a single moment in this game that I took pleasure in playing, much less replaying. My character’s death at the hands (setae?) of the worm-beast came as a blessed relief. I stopped playing the game after this point, having to that point endured nothing but annoyance.

Perhaps the biggest surprise that I uncovered in my extensive, globe-encircling research program was the fact that this game seems to be highly regarded. Here (metacritic.com), for instance, is a site which aggregates reviews of the game; its ratings hover around 8 out of 10. 8 out of 10! This is utterly befuddling. Let me repeat: this game sucks. Don’t play it.

Approximate hours played: 2
Will I play it more?: Oh dear lord no.