Bulletstorm Review for XBOX 360

Plotting Points by Tan(x)
Video Game Reviews by a Very Busy Math Teacher

Game: Bulletstorm
Platform: Xbox 360
Played For: 16 hrs

In honor of this being my 60th review for Scum, and in recognition that it is a review of Bulletstorm (which is a game that is quite frankly proud of being a big dumb blockbuster) I will dispense with the usual deep analysis and insightful paragraphical form. Instead, for your reading pleasure, I bring you 60 Bullet Points on Bulletstorm. That’s one bullet point per dollar, if you plan on buying the game at full price.

•Bulletstorm is a first person shooter. Doom, one of the great pioneers of the genre, can now be run on a High School TI Calculator. How soon is it before Bulletstorm can be played during math class?

•Bulletstorm employs the same massive damage combat rule as Gears of War. Rather than hit points, Grayson just isn’t allowed to take too much damage all at once. He rapidly heals to full when out of the line of fire.

•Bulletstorm is a game about real men. We know this because whenever they are in an elevator and need to select a floor, they just hit the keypad with their fist and hope for the best.

•Somewhat unexpectedly, ammo conservation is a key part of Bulletstorm. Don’t waste your shots or you may experience Bulletdrought. Must be Global Warming’s fault.

•Bulletstorm’s claim to fame is the skillshot system, which awards you points for slaying enemies in new and creative fashions. This is at once nihilistic, repulsive and super awesome all at the same time.

•You can use points from skill shots to purchase weapon upgrades and ammo from dropkits. It is explained that only soldiers who “kill with skill” are rewarded new supplies... why waste resource on duds? This makes an alarming amount of sense.

•Dropkits can only be accessed by a leash, an electronic whip that Grayson can also use to fling enemies around. The leash also contains the AI that evaluates your fight skill.

•For convoluted reasons Grayson is the only character with a leash, even though they are standard issue. This technically means the other characters can’t resupply from dropkits, and yet they never seem to run out of bullets.

•An important mechanic in the game is Grayson’s kick. When he gives somebody the boot, it is so powerful that time literally slows down as the recipient is propelled helplessly into the air.

•By double-tapping the run button you can slide on your butt like twenty meters. This move is really cool, especially as it works uphill, downhill, over rocks and shattered glass, you name it. Fortunately for everyone, Grayson seems to have pants of steel.

•Grayson can also alter direction mid-slide. Is this what they mean by turning the other cheek?

•Happily, no matter how fast you run or slide, Bulletstorm will not allow you to fall off ledges.

•Our hunkering hero Grayson can vault over low obstacles, but only by awkwardly facing them at just the right angle and pushing A. He may need to lay off the chimichangas.

•Bulletstorm has a prologue scene involving walking down the side of a towering skyscraper in a future metropolis. While the scene is important to the “plot”, the mechanic of walking on a wall is never used again. Ratchet and Clank would be sad.

•A word of advice: Don’t get too attached to the Dead Echo team you meet in the first scene of the game.

•Most of the action in Bulletstorm takes place in a decaying paradise, a former vacation world abandoned by tourists and now overrun by cannibal mutant freaks. Kind of like Mexico (ooh, harsh).

•Much of your mission centers on getting your newly robotic friend Ishi off the planet. Ishi has been merged with a toaster or something (I wasn’t paying attention), and he subsequently has to fight off impulses to KILL ALL HUMANS. This is naturally the first thing that results from most human-machine interfaces.

•Bromance is in the air… this must be a game produced by Cliffy B.

•Trishka is the girl that shows up in this game. She is just as foul-mouthed, bad-tempered and psychopathic as the rest of the ensemble. Since she’s thus one of the guys, she’s alright.

•The villainous General Sarrano has a pinched, weasel-like face. Something about him makes me think of Alfred E. Newman. Weird, huh?

•There is a huge amount of profanity in Bulletstorm. Characters regularly mask their child-like insecurities with colorful expletives. It aims to be funny, but more often it makes you just want to pat them on the head and tell them it will all be okay.

•Bulletstorm is all about running forward at full speed like a raving maniac. If you ever pause for a breather, the other characters will taunt you mercilessly.

•Bulletstorm wants you to see the cool things that are happening around you. When an event occurs, like, say, something big explodes, you are prompted to hold down LT to focus your view on it. This also gives you points for being alert.

•The game is about seven acts long, each of which is divided up into two or three chapters. This is a satisfying length for a single player campaign, as spending any additional time with the main characters could be hazardous for your brain.

•Bulletstorm is entirely linear from start to finish. From point A to point B, you will have a constant slope. Your curvature will be zero. I estimate the slope to be about -2.

•Your starting weapon is a standard assault rifle. Except that it has a secondary fire that disintegrates an opponent, leaving their screaming flaming skeleton temporarily suspended in the air. This sort of sets the tone of the game right there.

•In boss fights your primary weapon can’t run out of bullets. This may be unrealistic, but hey, this is BULLETSTORM we’re talking about. Realism is for less manly games, like Madden NFL 11.

•A double-barreled shotgun is not good enough for Bulletstorm. Bulletstorm has a QUADRUPLE-barreled shotgun. They call it the Boneduster.

•The sniper rifle has bullets that seek out their target when they get close. Strangely, this makes things harder to hit, as the targets are really good at dodging sniper shots. You, however, are not good at dodging their shots.

•There is also a weapon called a Bouncer that fires big bouncy balls that detonate on foes. Yes ladies, Grayson has large explosive balls.

•In the real world, a chain gun is a weapon that uses external power instead of recoil to load its rounds. In Bulletstorm, a chain gun is a gun that fires bits of chain that wrap around an enemy and then exppplooodddeee.

•The suckiest weapon in the game, in my opinion, is the Screamer. Unlike the very cool Philip K. Dick creatures of the same name, this is just a revolver with a flare option. That really can’t compete with, say, the Penetrator.

•The last weapon you acquire is the Penetrator. I will leave that one to your imagination.

•The world of Bulletstorm may once have been a destination for tourists. But it is also full to the brim with explosive objects.

•It turns out that adventuring on an irradiated alien planet leads to some very pretty sunsets. The pastel colors and waving palm trees are a welcome step away from dark sewers. Although the sewers are there too for fans of dank and smelly environs.

•There are a lot of impressively big wheels in the world of Bulletstorm. Enemies get ground up by them routinely. Less like Gears of War and more like “Wheels of Gore”.

•Apparently an increase in radiation is what drove the tourists off the planet. And they said there were no upsides to erosion of the ozone layer.

•One memorable level has the team using a fallen skyscraper to cross a gigantic ravine. The set-pieces in Bulletstorm are really, really good.

•I always… try… to include… some ellipses… in… my… … reviews… here they… look… like… baby… bullet points…

•Alcohol abounds in this game. Grayson gets points for staying sober, but he also gets points for drinking irresponsibly. Actually, you can get “points” for that in the real world too, although not the kind that anyone wants.

•You’ll get to ride in a variety of vehicles including monorails and copters, but you don’t get to pilot them. No one wants Grayson to be operating heavy machinery.

•There are big spiky cactus plants all over the place in Bulletstorm. I wonder what those are for?

•psychotropic spore plants can be used to make enemies attack each other.

•head-hugging melons can be kicked or lashed onto foes for humorous effect.

•Bulletstorm is the only first person shooter I know that prominently features hot dog carts.

•The cannibal mutant freaks come in different gangs, like skulls, creeps and burnouts. Their gang affiliation depends on how mutated they have become. This is a much more dependable identification system than leather jacket designs.

•Skulls are the weakest variety of enemies in the game. They exist as fodder for skill points, and have almost no sense of self-preservation.

•Creeps are slightly more annoying, as they can dodge your leash and they like to snipe from a distance.

•Burnouts are only vulnerable at glowing abscesses, kind of like the boss monsters from the Dead Space games.

•Mini-Bosses will occasionally appear toting heavy weaponry, tons of hit points, and often wearing bulletproof armor.

•Mini-Bosses sometimes drop chain guns, which let you mow down enemies at an alarming rate for a limited amount of time.

•Watch out for Godzilla.

•Other enemies include single-manned copters and radioactive scorpion critters.

•Playing Bulletstorm may also give you a new appreciation of Mario and his ability to defeat a Piranha plant with ease

•Grayson hates the news. Destroying news bots gets you points. I like to pretend that the news bots work for FOX.

•There are also little swarms of electric butterflies that you can exterminate for points. This is kind of like a mini-game that wastes bullets. It is strangely peaceful, though, like bass fishing.

•I don’t play Multiplayer, but Bulletstorm is supposed to be very good, including multiple modes and options. You can try to rank with skill kills or just blow each other up as usual.

•Grayson’s boot says hugs and kisses: XOXOXO

•I’ve heard that there is already a 20 dollar reduction in price on Bulletstorm at Amazon.com. If only I had known that before compiling this review, I could have saved myself 20 bullet points.

•Bulletstorm is fast-paced fun in a bright and beautiful setting. It is well worth checking out, as long as you don’t mind a bit of crude language and gore.