Gears of War 2

In Gears of War 2 you assume the roles of macho men Marcus and Dom once again, still fighting ravening hordes of locusts despite having blown them all up at the end of the last game. How is it that these monstrous denizens of the deep survived? Why did it take seven years for them to hatch in the first place, and are they going to go dormant again? Why is it repeatedly intimated that the war is humankind’s fault? Don’t ask questions egghead (or you’ll have to pair up with Baird)… oil up your chainsaw gun and check your IQ at the door. It’s time for a second round of gorgeously detailed graphics, relentless multiplayer action and, alas, a double-helping of ham-fisted dialogue and plot holes of Hollywood Blockbuster proportion.

First Impressions by Tanx
Video Game Reviews by a Very Busy Math Teacher

Game: Gears of War 2
Platform: XBOX 360
Played For: 14 hours

You have to wonder about the Planetary Survey Team that first decided it would be a good idea for humans to colonize Sera. Let’s imagine, giving them the benefit of a doubt, that they considered it “unlikely” that mutant alien hordes would at some point in the near future erupt out of the ground and lay all human civilization to waste... even though this seems to happen to an awful lot of sci-fi colonists if video games and movies are to be believed. Ignoring this, you’d think our planetary experts might at least have paid attention to the planet’s large degree of seismic activity, or the little disturbing weather trend of periodic rains of razor-sharp shards. Lucky the colonists constructed their buildings out of super futuristic materials that could handle that kind of stress. Oh, wait, actually everything appears to be made of marble. That should weather well...

Maybe they were snowed by the fantastically amazing environments one can find on Sera. Gears of War II has some of the most incredible graphics I’ve seen in a video game… and it keeps outdoing itself with every level. Locusts and Gears alike compare to characters in other games the way Tod McFarlane action figures compare to 80’s GI Joe. There is more variety to the environments than found in the first game, and each one is positively lovely. To avoid spoilers I won’t tell you about some of the best scenery in the game, but every underground cavern is rendered as an alien Dungeons and Dragons paradise, with cyclopean ruins, eerie flora and fauna, glowing streams of yellow ichor… even my thick-skinned cousin CotangentX was impressed. Well… he kept trying to use his chainsaw gun on me while I was admiring the scenery, but I’m pretty sure he was inspired nonetheless.

The successful game play mechanics of the first game are back, with the now famous duck and cover battle strategies. To mix things up a bit, the Locusts were given a new fondness for levers… their underground fortresses are full of the things. Levers to open doors, levers for elevators, levers to raise and lower bulwarks for cover… to the point that I’ve now officially re-dubbed this sequel “Levers of War.”

Game play is enhanced with a variety of new moves and weapons, including the very entertaining howitzers and flamethrowers, as well as the ability to nab a locust and use him for cover as a living meat shield. Unfortunately, I was unable to use CotangentX as the same... guess we’ll have to try some arena combat later on. Horde Mode also adds a new and satisfying method to work out your workday stress, as you defend a multiplayer map from ever-growing waves of locust assault squads. This mode may also prove invaluable for earning some of the more challenging achievements, like the vaguely disturbing “Seriously 2.0”, granted for killing... let’s see here... 10,000 enemies.
Wait, how many was that? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME CLIFFY B?!?!?!?!

Less inspiring were the sadly ineffectual attempts the script-writers made to give the characters some depth. While the noble game designers at Epic are quite good at writing trash talk (there are some especially golden moments with erstwhile allies Cole and Baird), explorations into Marcus and Doms’ sensitive sides were kind of painful to watch. Emotional intensity requires delicacy, finesse and a light touch… what we get here are beefy broadhand slaps in the face... the kind of loud, agonized acting you’d expect your favorite Major League Football player to produce when attempting Shakespeare. Actually, having Cole recite some Romeo and Juliet would be something I’d pay to see....

And the locusts. After two games, I’m still asking myself the most basic questions like... what the hell is their problem? Is your average locust soldier even a sentient being, or are they all the mental equivalents of kumquats? Are they even indigenous to Sera? In Gears of War 2 you pick up newspaper clipping and other info drops instead of just cog tags, but none of them address any central questions. You get the sense (especially after the rather lackluster reveals about the Queen mid-game) that Gears is following in the fine X-Files, Lost, and so on formula... perpetually hinting that reasons exist for inexplicable happenings is easier than actually coming up with said reasons ahead of time. It is pretty clear that the writers are making things up as they go.

Which is too bad, because with a little more thought, plot and character depth, the Gears franchise really could leave an indelible mark. The Gears team is clearly trying, but it still feels like that scene in Zoolander when Derek and Hanson try to comprehend a Mac. Great game play, solid engine and an amazing visual style serve to make Gears of War 2 one of the top holiday releases this year... when will we get to see the same depth of thought in the writing as well?

Will I play it more: GRIND.....